Over? It certainly is Erik. Were Marvel’s Ultimate line my friend, Ultimatum #5 would be the fight at the end of a long tiff which resulted in me angrily shouting “You’re dead to me!” Character assassin and super villain in his own right Jeph Loeb has throttled me from not caring about the Ultimate Universe straight past not wanting to read about it and well into “I wish it had never existed” territory.
I’m torn. Ultimatum #5 could quite possibly be the single worst piece of writing in recorded history. There is a part of me that wants to encourage everyone to go to their LCS and read it (for free, don’t you DARE pay for this piece of trash) just to know how poorly written something can be. This book is abysmal. At the same time, if you’re reading this review, I feel some sort of moral obligation to keep you out of harm’s way. To that end, I simply must insist you never – ever – read this book. For those of you sadists out there still curious, don’t worry about reading anything else first for frame of reference. Here’s what’s happened in Ultimatum so far:
- Magneto moved the world off its axis
- People died in a flood
- Other people died after the flood
- Nick Fury came back; Doom too
Okay, you’re good. You didn’t even really need to know that to grasp the awful that was this issue. Don’t believe me? I’m not usually one to post spoilers but in this case, I’m saving you time and money. If you’re so inclined, grab a bucket, and read on…
Jeph Loeb is a monster. He either hates fans, hates comics, or hates himself so much he’s hoping that fans of comics will have him killed. Or he’s a humanoid exoskeleton piloted by mentally handicapped howler monkeys. I’m not sure which. I’m dumber for having read this book. I wish I could retroactively gouge my eyes out so I never would have had to read this. To the creators of this book: “I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your souls.” You broke the scale.