OtLB Special Edition – SA’s Cobra After-Action Reports

We’re all about comics here at Panels On Pages, but a geek cannot live on comics alone. Outside the Longbox is our chance to spotlight something outside our typical 4-color realm, be it movies, music, TV or whatever.

As a child, the G.I. Joe team was a group of the baddest badasses in existence. These guys saved the world from Cobra countless times (well, OK, roughly 140 or so, but who’s counting?) and looked cool doing it! Or so I thought. In recent years, I discovered the insightful perspective of Zack “Geist Editor” Parsons of Something Awful fame. In his Cobra After-Action Reports, Zack examines as objectively as possible the commitment of resources put forth by Cobra in each and every mission, and the exact results of the Joe team’s subsequent intervention. The conclusion, time and time again, is that – in a display of ineptitude worthy of Inspector Gadget himself – Cobra’s defeat rarely comes at the hands of the Joes but, more often than not, is the fault of the Cobra operatives themselves. Oh, and did I mention it’s fucking hysterical?

lasers

Cobra Commander misunderstands the meaning of the phrase "shoot for the moon."

The plots we took for granted as kids, in the harsh light of day, are simply ridiculous. In “The Great Alaskan Land Grab,” Cobra’s goal is the acquisition of a chalice, the possession of which purportedly guarantees ownership to the whole of Alaska. “Cobra’s Candidate” features a plan to place a Cobra sympathizer into position as the mayor of a small town. Sure, these plots are laughable in and of themselves, but the boys at Something Awful shed light on each and every ridiculous moment with such pointed wit that the site should come with the same disclaimer I’m posting here: Go to the bathroom before clicking the links provided below; PanelsOnPages.com cannot be held responsible for pissed pants. I’ll wager you don’t even have to know a damn thing about G.I. Joe to appreciate the absurdity within each episode, but I’m sure it helps to have a little insight into the history of the show. Below are the PoP!-Top Six-Pack of Cobra After-Action Reports, as chosen by yours truly. Though with only 12 total, it’s more than worth checking out the lot of them. Just remember to take frequent bathroom breaks.

6)  The Great Alaskan Land Grab

5)  Money to Burn

4)  Lasers in the Night

3)  The Gamesmaster

2)  20 Questions

1)  Cobra’s Candidate

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Who ARE these people!?

Jason Kerouac is a co-founder of Panelsonpages.com. He spends roughly half of his waking life in servitude to the Giraffe. Raised in a town in New Hampshire you've never heard of, he now lives in Indianapolis, IN and is pretty sure that's a step in the right direction.

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