If Football Was More Like Wrestling…

If there’s one thing we geeks love to do, it’s wax theoretical on all the things that could have been or should yet be involving our favorite characters or properties. Whether an unseen final season or a never-produced line of action figures, we want them. Now. Make it so!

clotheslined[The show opens with fireworks and screaming from the fans in attendance.]

Cotton McKnight: Are you ready for excitement?! Are you ready for action?! Are you ready for the World Football League?! Welcome fans, to WFL Monday Night Mayhem! I’m Cotton McKnight, and with me as always is my point man, Jimmy Dix!

Jimmy Dix: And what a game we have for you tonight! It’s the last stop in the road to Supergame 25, as the New York Smashers take on the Miami Sharks to see which team will face the Gotham Rogues at the Supergame.

McKnight: The Smashers are at a distinct disadvantage following the heinous attack on their star quarterback A.C. Slater by Rogues QB Guy Gardner at the conclusion of their last game.

Dix: Cotton, the Smashers have had to call up second-string QB Bo Callahan to replace the injured Slater. Can the rookie handle the pressure?

McKnight: He’ll have to, because Sharks QB Joe Kingman won’t be showing any mercy. Luckily for Callahan, Commissioner Kevin O’Shea has barred Gardner from the stadium. Now let’s get this party started!

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McKnight: Halfway through the first quarter, and the Smashers are leading 7-0, with the Sharks in possession of the ball.

[The Sharks’ coach comes to the edge of the field and starts arguing with the referee. With the ref distracted, one of the cheerleaders throws a championship belt to Kingman.]

McKnight: It looks like Sharks head cheerleader Missy Pantone has tossed an illegal object to Kingman while coach Nick Crozier has the ref tied up.

Dix: That’s Kingman’s title belt from last year’s Supergame! [Kingman hits an opposing player in the face with the belt. Crowd boos.] C’mon ref, don’t let him get away with that!

McKnight: It’s too late, and that lets Kingman drive one in to bring the score to 7-6.

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McKnight: The Smashers have time for one last play in the first half, and it looks like they’re calling in kicker Nigel Gruff, the Welsh Wonderfoot.

[The ball is hiked, but before Gruff can kick it he’s tackled by one of his own teammates. Crowd gasps.]

McKnight: What the?! Gruff is taken down by Manumana the Slender? What’s going on?

[Manumana walks over to the camera and takes off his Smashers jersey, revealing a Sharks jersey underneath.]

Manumana: I’m tired of being on the losing side. With Slater out, I’m jumping to the winning team. As of right now, I’m in the Shark School! [Crowd boos.]

Dix: Unbelievable.

∗∗∗∗∗

McKnight: Now for halftime we take you to our colleague Lois Einhorn.

Lois Einhorn: Thank you, Cotton. WFL Fanatics – [Crowd chants “Laces out! Laces out!”] They were in, dammit! The laces were in! [regaining composure] Excuse me. WFL Fanatics, please welcome my guest at this time, A.C. Slater.

[Slater comes out and the fans begin a dueling “Let’s go Slater!/Slater sucks!” chant.]

A.C. Slater: Thanks Lois. [Einhorn goes for a welcoming kiss, but Slater dodges her.] Sorry, I just ate. I just want to wish my team all the luck in the world, and let them know I’ll be back in time for the Supergame. It’ll take more than a preppy like Guy Gardner to keep me down. [He’s interrupted by the Rogues entrance music, and the stadium jumbo-tron turns on, revealing Gardner.]

Guy Gardner: Slater, you make me sick. Almost as sick as I’d be if I were there in stinking New York in person. [Crowd boos.] I hope the Smashers win, because I can’t wait to whip your ass at Supergame. [He’s cut off by even more music, as an older man joins Einhorn and Slater.]

Dix: It’s WFL Commissioner Kevin O’Shea! What’s he doing here?

Kevin O’Shea: Hello A.C. Hello Lois. No thank you, I just ate as well. I had to come out here to make an announcement. In light of the Sharks’ actions tonight, I’ve decided the rest of the game will be held under “no plays barred” rules. [Crowd cheers.] That’s right anything goes! May the best team win.

McKnight: What a bombshell! “No plays barred” rules? What will happen as Mayhem moves on?

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McKnight: It’s been a pulse-pounding game all the way through. The Smashers need to score one more touchdown to win, but the Sharks are in control. [Kingman is running with the ball, when suddenly a member of the chain crew nails him with one of the measuring poles.] What the?!

Dix: That’s not a rod man! That’s A.C. Slater! [The crowd goes wild as Slater powerbombs Kingman.]

McKnight: Bayside Blowout to Kingman! [Slater throws the ball to Callahan, who scores a touchdown as the clock winds down.] The Smashers did it! They overcame the odds and won! What a game! [Slater points to the Supergame 25 sign hanging from the rafters, but as the team celebrates a man runs up behind them. He rams Slater into the goalpost, superkicks the recovering Kingman, then points to the sign himself. Crowd boos.]

Dix: Is that…?

McKnight: It’s Guy Gardner! He was here all along! He’s knocked out Slater again and hit the Upside Kick to Kingman! [O’Shea storms out and grabs a microphone.]

O’Shea: That’s it! That’s the last straw, Gardner! You’ve just dug your own grave! Because next month at Supergame 25, we’re going to see the Rogues take on the Smashers and the Sharks in the first ever Triple Goalpost game! [Crowd cheers.]

Dix: Now that’s a bombshell!

McKnight: The Rogues! The Smashers! The Sharks! A history-making Triple Goalpost bout at Supergame 25! WFL Fanatics, we’ll see you there!

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Who ARE these people!?

As one of the co-founders of Panels on Pages, Robert Eddleman will happily read any comic that catches his interest, regardless of publisher. Aside from comics and PoP!, his other passions include worshipping Joss Whedon, getting lost in TV Tropes, and watching muscled men hit each other with folding chairs.

Comments (2)

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  1. matweller says:

    You have my love for referencing The Last Boyscout.

  2. Ben Gilbert says:

    The fact that the XFL was not this is exactly why it failed.

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