PoP! Top 6-Pack: Deliciously Dorky Macy’s Parade Floats

If you’re like me, you probably don’t wake up until Santa’s Sleigh has already made it’s way down the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade route.  But for those nerdy early risers, this year’s 86th Annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade features the first ever Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles float, based on the brand new Nickelodeon show!  BOOYAKASHA!

The Ninja Turtles’ 2012 Macy’s Float!

Sure, the yearly broadcast is filled with terrible banter, forgettable Broadway performances, and awful commercials, but it marks the official start of the holiday season, no matter what the department stores tell you otherwise. In the spirit of the day, let’s take a look make at six of the best (mostly worst) fan-centric floats to sail down the New York City streets on Turkey Day!

Society was so conscious of our environmental issues in 1991 that the title character of Captain Planet and The Planeteers received a whole 20 seconds of airtime on 1991′s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!  As Cap Planet rolls by (sans Planeteers), Willard Scott laughs under his breath while using an entire can of aerosol hairspray and leaving all of the lights on in his house.

He’s lucky Don Cheadle didn’t turn him into a f—ing tree.

Sonic the Hedgehog’s 1993 debut marks the first Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon based on a video game character, which begs the question: The brothers Mario weren’t good enough to receive gigantic inflated glory prior to that?  The boys are from NYC, after all!  And without Mario (and to a lesser extent, Luigi), Sonic wouldn’t have a pot to piss in!  And this is coming from a Sega Genesis kid…

After this version injured an off-duty police officer, Sonic would later be reimagined as a less sucky balloon in the 2011 parade

It took less than a year after the Fox debut of The Simpsons for the face that launched a million t-shirts, Bart Simpson, to receive his own float in the 1990′s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Sure, we’ve seen a few flash-in-the-pans receive Macy’s floats over the years, but none burned quite as white hot as Bart Simpson, and certainly none of those have stuck around for over 20-years.

Many cows were had, despite warnings to the contrary.

Superman, The Man of Steel, was first immortalized as a Macy’s balloon in 1939, then again in 1966, but it was the 1980 version of the Son of Krypton which holds the distinction of being the largest Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon of all time.  After the 1997 parade was marred by the massive Cat in the Hat balloon hitting a lamppost and putting a woman into a month-long coma, size restrictions were implemented.

Obama…

Maybe giving Captain Planet as little airtime as possible was the best idea, as the debut of Mattel’s Masters of the Universe float in 1985 showed that less is probably more.  He-Man, She-Ra, and the rest of the Masters battle Skeletor and Hordak, with a special appearance by….no bullsh–…Moss-Man!?  Moss-Man was in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, you guys.

The next year, Dolph Lundgren helped Pat Sajak introduce the return of the MOTU float.  It’s a living, breathing toy commercial.

Holy sh–, what a clusterf— this was, but it was AMAZING!  25 years before The Avengers became one of the biggest movies of all time, Captain America was on a mission to rescue his fellow Marvel Heroes from the clutches of….The Enchantress (!?)….to the tune of the Back to the Future theme song(!!?!?!?!).  I guess Doctor Doom was also there.  And Spidey and The Green Goblin.  And Hulk totally smashed things.  White Queen jizzed streamers. And Luke Cage was freed from his shackles….BY ROBOCOP!?  What the entire sh–…is this 1990-era WCW!?

They don’t even mention it. Is it because Willard Scott doesn’t know what the f— is going on, or is this some sort of Robocop cover-up?

There ya go, PoP!ulation!  Don’t miss the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade today, starting at 9 AM EST on NBC!

–Knize

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Who ARE these people!?

Jason Knize, K-Nice if you're nasty, is a co-founder of PanelsOnPages.com, resident News Editor, and one-half of the World Tag Team Champions, The 11th Hour. You can usually find him in the most wretched hive of scum and villainy...The PoP!ulation Forums.

   

Comments (9)

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  1. The hulk slowly getting into position to glacially fall backwards two inches into the other peoples arms is the best thing ever.

  2. If there weren't photographic evidence, I'd swear half of these were lies. Wow.

  3. Adam Hicks says:

    Ho-leeee shit. That's glorious.

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