Riddle Me This! Hellraiser/Hellblazer

Who’d win in a fight between Superman and Spawn? How the f*ck old is Cable? And what in the holy hell is a Megatron? When the tough questions arise, Panels on Pages will gather the facts, but it’s up to the PoP!ulation to draw its own conclusions. So come on… Riddle Me This!

Pinhead & Constantine.

On one side you have the Cenobites. Led by the mysterious Pinhead, they’re an extra-dimensional race of sadomasochistic humans-turned-demons who thrive on pleasure and pain. Solving the Lament Configuration opens a portal that brings them to Earth in search of new souls to torture. On the other is John Constantine, the Hellblazer, an occult detective who battles supernatural threats, mainly for his own benefit but occasionally for the greater good as well. Though he’s a part of the greater DC universe, he tries to avoid the spandex set, seeing most of them as posturing morons. What would happen if Constantine had to defend himself, and maybe even humanity as a whole, from a Cenobite threat? Before deciding, let’s take a closer look at the combatants.

There’s no telling how many Cenobites exist, but it’s safe to say there are probably quite a few, with Pinhead being the most visible. What is it about him that made an originally minor character break into the forefront of the Hellraiser franchise? His look certainly has something to do with it, but there’s also something cultured, even almost regal, about him. Barring the occasional out-of-character moment, he seems rather gentleman-like, doesn’t he? Far more dignified than the wise-cracking Freddy or the lumbering Jason. Like he’d discuss tearing apart your soul with you over a nice dinner and bottle of wine. How awesome would Freddy vs. Jason have been if the ending saw the two headliners transported to another dimension while fighting, only to be pulled apart by numerous hooks and chains embedded in their flesh, with Pinhead stepping out of the shadows, asking “Gentlemen. Is there a problem?” Talk about a sequel hook!

Then there’s John Constantine, the very definition of an anti-hero. He’s nearly always attempting to turn any situation to his own personal advantage, and if he saves the world along the way, that’s okay too. A skilled mage, probably his most epic triumph came in the “Dangerous Habits” story-arc by Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon. Learning he had contracted lung cancer, John set out to find a way to cure himself. Ingeniously, he sold his soul, payable upon death, in quick succession to each of  the three different rulers of Hell. Each was so pleased to own the soul of the legendary Hellblazer they didn’t ask any questions. To execute his plan to its end, Constantine then committed suicide by slitting his wrists. The three powerful demons all arrived at once and found out how he’d out manuvered them. Since none of the three wanted to give up their claim on his soul, and the battle between them for it would tear apart Hell itself, they begrudgingly returned him to life and cured his cancer, though in the most painful way possible. As he left them, John parted with… Well, a picture is worth a thousand words, so…

John tells the Hell-Lords they're number one.

So who comes out on top here? Even though he’s less well known to the general public, I’ve got to give this one to Constantine. We’ve already seen the Cenobites halted by ordinary people, and someone with John’s talents and experience would have even more of an advantage than them. It would be an epic showdown to be sure, but I see the Hellblazer triumphing with his soul intact. Perhaps the real question is: WHY HASN’T THIS HAPPENED YET?!?! Is my Google-Fu weak? I couldn’t find a single crossover fanfic online. BOOM! is putting out Hellraiser comics written by creator Clive Barker himself; a crossover miniseries with DC would be great. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Who do you think would come out victorious, PoP!ulation? Riddle me this!

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Who ARE these people!?

As one of the co-founders of Panels on Pages, Robert Eddleman will happily read any comic that catches his interest, regardless of publisher. Aside from comics and PoP!, his other passions include worshipping Joss Whedon, getting lost in TV Tropes, and watching muscled men hit each other with folding chairs.

Comments (2)

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  1. Junkle says:

    I’m gonna go Constatine. Like you said, people with far less mystical know-how have trumped Pinhead and his leather-clad compatriots time after time. It would definitely be a war, but Constatine would go all… Well… Constatine on them, and save mankind.

  2. Reach231 says:

    Constantanine wins

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